The Mayhem School Of Driving Excellence

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I have a confession to make. Lately, I've been driving around with a bad influence.

Some people call them a "back seat driver". I call her "someone who won't be allowed to get her license until she is 30". 

Allow me to explain. 

It all started one day when I pulled up to a light that had just turned red. As I slowed down, Sterling started yelling "GO momma, GOOOOOO!!!"  

And I have to be honest, for all of 3 seconds I was tempted to put that pedal to the metal and Thelma And Louise it right through the light. I was woman, hear me roar!

Then I remembered I was a responsible mom with my two children in the car. And that my "voice of  guidance" was a 2.5 year old that routinely ran her toy four wheeler off of the ledge in the basement. Hardly a reliable source of driving advice. 

So I decided instead to educate her on the appropriate rules of the road. For the next few months, I patiently reiterated what the stoplight colors meant every time she would shrilly shriek from the backseat. Now she helpfully offers "red means stop momma. GOOOOOOO!"

Evidently, it wasn't that she didn't understand the traffic rules, she just refused to accept that they pertained to us. 

After answering each "why" (over and over and over and over again) with an explanation that red lights meant everyone got their fair turn, the only progress we made was that I began to question the validity of the system. After all, when you are stuck at a red light with two screaming kids, one of which is insisting she needs to "pee potty", you begin to feel like you deserve an exemption. Or a Valium. Either one. 

So lately, when she started helpfully urging that I "drive faster", I again initially was tempted to take her prompting. But that was before I realized that she had zero income to pay any speeding tickets we might incur. 

And her demands to "go past that truck, right now" are equally as unhelpful. Especially on little twisty, turny little back roads. 

No, about the only decent driving advice Sterling ever gives is when she inspects my park job to helpfully point out "Uh oh Momma, oh no. That not good. You fix it?"

Which she does every time I park. Every Damn. Time. 

And while some may not be ideal park jobs, I challenge you to do any better with Chatty Cathy The Driving Instructor constantly commentating from the back seat. 

I mean seriously, does this person look like she has ANY business giving driving advice???

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