You Want To Know Why Mommy Drinks?

I used to think my life was so busy, and then I had two kids within 18 months of each other, and my husband went on the road full-time, and my daughter became a turbo mayhem toddler, and my baby developed acid reflux as well as severe dairy allergies, and he didn't sleep more than two hours at a time, and we decide to move, and I realized that I had no fucking clue.

To give you a sense of what "so busy" looks like to me now, let me give you a little sample of my day today.

After a night where my infant was up every hour or so (like most nights), he finally woke at 6 a.m. screaming bloody murder. When I changed him, I discovered an extremely nasty case of diaper rash covering his entire butt. I then spent the next hour trying to calm him down after the trauma of the diaper change itself.

At 8 o'clock, my toddler woke up. She announced she is ready to get the day rolling by screaming "Mommy" repeatedly, at the top of her lungs. Heart touching. I go in to discover she is naked and has taken her diaper off to pee on her blanket. Fun times.

We come downstairs, I get everybody cleaned up and fed, and then Bennett has the ultimate blow out. I decontaminate him, strip him, and am in the process of putting a new diaper on him when he considerately sharts and pees all over me... and my iPhone. Any idea how to clean baby poop out of the little button at the bottom of the screen? Me either.

I then had to go to a friends house to pick up something she printed up for me because my husband  packed away our printer already.

The mayhem involved in getting ready to leave was extreme. First, Sterling kept taking off a shoe,  hiding it and saying "Mommy, no shoe, no shoe".

Then, every time I had them ready to go, the baby would poop and scream bloody murder and we would start over. Again.

I finally got everybody ready and left the house. When we got to my girlfriends house, my girlfriend and her nanny were both clearly overwhelmed by the insanity that we brought with us.

First, Sterling climbed on every piece of antique furniture that my girlfriend owned. Then, Sterling found a tube of diaper cream and used it to create warrior battle stripes on her face and nose. Then, Bennett melted down for something to eat, and I realized that although I had prepared a bottle, I had forgotten it at home.

Then my girlfriend offered to change Bennett for me, I'm guessing because she could clearly see just how over my head I was. I think for her, the ultimate mind blower was when she realized that I had put Bennett in one of Sterling's diapers. To be honest, in my world, I am just thrilled when everyone is wearing a diaper. Screw caring what size it is.

So finally we made it back home, I fed the kids lunch, and put them down for naps. For some crazy reason, this stupid daylight savings is still jacking with them and they were both up within an hour. Sterling usually sleeps about three, so you can imagine her frame of mind when she woke up.

Throughout this all, I had kept my head purely by remembering that I had planned a girls night out with my good friend this evening. Amidst hours of tears, Sterling climbing on things that shouldn't be climbed on, more tears, Sterling throwing whatever was available, and did I mention tears, I had managed to get myself dressed, put makeup on, and looked halfway presentable.

And then I got the call from my babysitter...

Five minutes before she was supposed to show up, she got rear-ended on the beltway, and wouldn't be able to make it.

Want to guess what I'm doing tonight?