A Word To The Modern Day Zombie

Seems like there's been a crazy run of zombie-like activity lately.

And I don't mean zombie as in "my infant hasn't slept in months and I can't remember how to tie my shoe laces so I think I will just cry instead". I mean zombie as in "come on over here so I can munch on your face a little bit".

Seems like every time I look, there's a new instance of somebody attacking and eating the face, brains, or other body parts of someone else, or maybe just throwing their own entrails at them.
Rasta Zombie Says "These Brains Are No Gooodd, Mon"

Like this, or this, or this. And if you want to keep up to date on all the zombie antics, then there is even this handy resource.

Which makes me wonder, is it that these things are suddenly going through the roof, or is it that because it's en vogue to talk about zombies right now, the press is reporting on it a lot more than they would have otherwise?

Either way, if you're currently, or if you have any future plans to participate in any zombie-like activities, let me explain why I would recommend skipping me:

First: I'm hardheaded. While I cannot conclusively prove it, I would imagine that it means my gray matter is tougher and far less succulent than a more easily maneuvered individual. Doesn't sounds like prime eating to me.

Second: I drank heavily in college. All that brain damage certainly can't be an asset if you're looking for the tastiest brains to munch on. And I can guarantee that my liver isn't really worth the effort.

Third: I'm no spring chicken. I'm tired and stringy and pretty certain that I would be more of a "stewing" kind of meal. Which I doubt your average zombie would take the time to do. Hardly worth the effort to chase me down if you ask me.

Fourth: I fight dirty. Unlike most people in those zombie movies, I'm not going to just lay there and scream while you munch on me. I'm going to fight. Hard. And as an older sibling, I know how to make it count.

Fifth: I have survived two kids. Which means I sure as hell am capable of handling a mindless undead. Are you really thinking that you want to tangle with me? Really? Think about it. It's DC, there are millions of limp, pasty government peons which make for easy eatin'. Do yourself a favor and go munch on some of them instead.

Sixth: Most importantly, let me remind you that I am a mother, the single most ferocious creature in the universe. My family and kids? Yeah, they aren't a good idea to chow down on either unless you are a zombie with a final death wish. And zero common sense.

As I said, there are easier and tastier meals to be had, so go find one of those.

Now scoot! Your body parts are probably dropping all over the place and if you are sentient enough to read this post, then you know you better get busy before you crumble apart completely.

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