Where Is A Padded Room When You Need One

Kids make no sense sometimes. OK, most times.

Sterling was climbing the walls this afternoon. And I mean that literally, like a little Spider Tot, so I decided to move the party outside to enjoy the gorgeous afternoon.

The weather was warm but breezy and the skies were perfect crystal blue with fleecy clouds.

Gorgeous.

We hadn't been outside 5 minutes before Sterling stepped in dog poop and promptly came over and dropped the befouled shoe. In. My. Lap. No big deal, I calmly picked it up, prayed that none of it had gotten on me, and set the shoe aside.

Sterling then went to the far side of the yard and desperately started yelling "help, help". Like any mom, I jumped up and ran around the house... to help her retrieve her sunglasses that she had thrown into the flower bed.

When I came back, Bennett had managed to crawl over to Sterling's poop shoe, and was happily chewing on it. I yanked it out of his sweet little mouth and calmly reassured myself that the little brown smudge on his lower lip was definitely was not poop. Definitely not.

I had just set him back on the blanket when Sterling's little voice called from around other side of the house "help, help". Again. This time, I took a more leisurely approach...

And arrived just in time to right a fence climbing gone bad. I peeled her off from the spot she had wedged herself into, and walked back to Bennett on the blanket. In the three seconds I had been gone, he had crawled to the edge of the blanket and stuffed his mouth full off grass.

After several long minutes of prying open baby jaws (MUCH harder than you would expect), his mouth was empty... just in time for Sterling to come racing by, laughing like a loon with a mouth full of something suspect.

I chased her through the yard until I could catch her and remove the rocks she had crammed into her cheeks like a little hamster.

I had finally sat back down onto the blanket and was just starting to enjoy the weather when a mosquito landed on Ben's little head and I automatically reached out and smashed it.

At which point I packed everyone up and headed back inside. Pretty confident that to any neighbors watching, I appeared both inept AND abusive.

Longest 10 minutes in history. Guaranteed.

Look Ma! I's eating grass!